Introducing THIRD-Party in the conversations

As written elsewhere in the blog, we (as a family) generally do a lot of long drives. During those drives, we tend to talk amongst us, mostly having DS at the center - either he telling a story, or we play-acting as if someone else is with us and how do we interact with them and at sometime, he uses this time to play-act/model past scenarios, where he did something inappropriate and got into trouble at school.

So for this play-acting, he will insist on doing it two ways - the TGP* way (or inappropriately) that got him to trouble; and the SMA* way (the appropriate way).

During one of these drives, on an inspiration, we introduced third-party; while DS and DM are play-acting, I'll be a 3rd-party listener, by-stander or a non-participant in the play. I will be the one who sees DS' reaction and will form opinions and judgment in my mind- I (DD) play the 3P role and I typically switch between a potential friend (who is turned off due to DS' inappropriateness) or a teacher or an aide or a customer at the work-place.

DS is now looking for 3P reactions on all the role-plays; and a few days ago, he connected that with the action and consequences. Like what he did in a class-room (action) was observed by the 3P (his aide) and that resulted in a consequence, that DS didn't like !

Good stuff, DS !

Of Dosas and ability to write !

We have not blogged for a while - while life moves on,  we too discover new things to work with DS, I believe we had written earlier about having a tutor come home and work with DS. This tutor has been working with DS for nearly an year now and the things have settled into a nice rhythm (or routine, depending on the perspective :-))

The tutor himself is not very structured, but we do believe that is the same reason DS likes him quite a bit - they have very conversational classes - the tutor goes from writing a story to science to math to history or just plain vocabulary - he is also letting DS express his interest and then gently pilots the class through.

There is one thing that we hit upon; since DS believes just 2hr/week is studies :-) and nothing else needs to be done, we were asking the tutor to give him some home-work. That has been initiated. There are some topics that the tutor would teach DS and then ask him to write about it. DS typically likes to make powerpoint.

For the powerpoint, we have invented a structure (called DOSA - his favorite dish)
D - Description - a short description of what the subject is, what it  is, et al
O - Origins of the subject - where did it start, how et al
S - Status - the current status of the subject - what it has become, dead/alive, et al
A - Analysis - his own opinion about the subject - where he writes what he thinks

This seems to work - also, it has given him some structure to write/talk more than a couple of sentences about anything and 'get it done'.

Here is an example that he did on Feudal system - still work in progress, but it is a start !!

Chasing (away) the Dreams

When did DS get his first dream? I'm not sure though DS expressed his dream experiences to DD when he was kindergartner, “picture comes while sleeping.” DD explained all of us gets pictures while sleeping called 

We would talk about our dreams, mostly DS got good dreams. It would be as simple as he went in his favorite car or met a favorite person etc., very rarely DS got a bad dream that made him anxious, like the buildings near our house were destroyed. DS would go on and on to check if it would happen. It took time for DS to understand dreams won’t become 

Since last year, DS gets both good and bad dreams equally, affecting his morning routines. If DS gets a good dream he would not want to get up because he did not want to let go of those feelings. If he gets a bad dream he would not want to get up as he was feeling very sad and anxious the whole day repeatedly saying, “my memory is all mixed up; I have only bad memories, all my good memories are gone.”

I was wondering if his increased awareness causing more bad dreams or if he is having difficulty in regulating his feelings or is his memory going blank because he is stressed or his emotional state connecting to all similar experiences.

DS was having hard time to articulate his dreams especially the bad ones DS would share the good ones towards the end of the day, gradually DS started sharing the bad dreams when he was relaxed. Explaining the dreams are not real was not helping 

As DS started sharing more of his bad dreams, I figured those were related to very unpleasant situations, which DS want to avoid completely (made rules http://tinyurl.com/oz8dlh5). DS expressed the thought or talking about those makes him feel very shaky. I explained when he experiences unpleasant situation in dream, he considers it bad dreams. He can have neutral vibes for those experiences if he can associate the emotional memory to have a positive base memory (http://tinyurl.com/nsdl8zr). If he has a positive base memory for those experiences it will neither be a good nor bad dream. 

This struck a chord with DS, since then DS seemed to have learnt to chase away his bad dreams.

AT-EASE Guiding and Learning Monopoly.

(Written by DM, 4years ago AT-EASE model from www.paceplace.org)

I wanted create an experience of playing Monopoly with DS. We deiced to spend couple of minutes playing the game almost every day. At first DS has to be open and accept the novelty of the game which has many numerical operations (DS has lot of resistance to math), I just allowed DS to be part of the game, just rolling the dice & moving his coins. Once DS is at ease, I slow down, allow DS to take initiative to set up the game, wait for him to tell it is my turn, pick a card, giving the money. 

We play Indian version, US version, and credit card version to bring in flexibility, talk about how they are all similar. I talk aloud how DS can do the calculations, sharing that calculating and managing money are hard, encourage DS to use the calculator, nudging him to do the calculations mentally. It took a while for DS to do oral calculations and I reflect on how oral calculations are no longer difficult.  DS is now empowered to do the calculations orally, distribute money, enjoy playing Monopoly game.

There are still lot more to learn about the game and the concepts of mortgage, making money by building houses and hotels, winning/losing etc, which will bring another dimension of experience.

Feedback from the expert:

This is a wonderful breakdown of playing monopoly...however you are creating a complete experience on every level by maintaining your awareness of the AT-EASE model while guiding DS' experience... There is always more to learn the goal is to stay At-ease through the process of acquiring experience/knowledge...so often parents and professionals are concerned with trying to get the child to catch up with their peers or obtain a left brain cognitive skill that the experience is linear; thus lacking the emotionally rich experience associated with at ease learning resulting in tedium, and the lack of motivation to return to the activity for everyone, which reduces frequency of experience and thereby adversely impacting a child's ability to practice trying in order to achieve mastery...the way you are going about guiding monopoly you are not only creating a positive experience in the moment while ensuring DS' interest in future trying!  Well done!

Relating to Circles of Relationships

(written by DM)

DS had the opportunity of attending couple of family celebrations last summer, where he met most of our relatives (close to extended), was involved mostly by observing what is happening, taking part in his way by welcoming everyone. DS takes pride in being open and welcoming, as kid he had meltdowns when either guest comes home or if he was a guest at someone’s place, sure he has come a long way!

DS likes to be connected with family, friends and relatives, but his lack of social skills and inability to understand the subtle and underlying messages has always posed a challenge. DS was very excited at the thought of relatives will never change unlike the acquaintances, friends who keeps changing. DS had difficulty understanding why some buddies keep in touch, others don’t. We had hard time explaining. We did have concentric circles to represent acquaintances, emerging friends, close friends, best friends moving outer to innermost connecting with examples from our experiences. Courtesy Social Thinking. https://www.socialthinking.com/

DS likes to go for long drives especially to airport and is very excited when we have guests. DD came with the idea of role playing picking up family member(s), building a scenario why they are coming, having a small conversation. We came with idea of concentric circles 0, 1, 2, 3 to represent close to distant family, what we share with each circle is different- we share everything with circle 0 and only central information as they become distant, who falls in which circle. DS was very excited and thrilled about the whole process, which triggered lot of questions from him as we continued. Why they are in that circle, why we share only central message to distant people, what makes family members close, why we feel like crying when someone leaves, if a person is in once circle can they move to a different circle in either direction - what could be the reasons, how do we call each relations in our native language and why etc. All these discussions have enabled DS in relating to different circles of relationships and also expanded his thinking in the area of friends/acquaintance as he began relating and connecting to the instances that happened with buddies, who are good friends, why some avoided, why some sent or did not send mail, who are friendly but not friends, who belongs to which circle & why. DS is articulating every relationship starts at circle 3, takes time to evolve to circle 0 where both have to reciprocate, which is tip of the iceberg.

Challenges ? What is that?

In one of the discussions at work, we were talking about challenges - basically the question was what were the challenges that each one of us faced in our past that made us feel good... I had to think quite deeply about it to even come up with one. I really could not pick one - the reason is its not that I had too many or something like that - but I do have a different perspective of "challenge"... I see every day DS making a great effort, struggle with himself in trying alter his 'DNA' - trying to reprogram himself and re-wire himself; getting over the core-deficits that he has - compared to what he is going through and making a very conscious, honest and tremendous effort to change something that is fundamental to his being, is bring a new perspective to me - More and more,  I realize how blessed rest of us are - we assume stuff and take on stuff to think those are "problems to solve" - really? Let us try rewiring ourselves, like becoming ambidexterous, an introvert becoming an extrovert, a right-hander becoming left-hander !

In any case, DS' struggle and his effort are bearing fruit... See attached email exchange between a doctor and us. We sent an email to the doctor asking for some advice, and this is how she responded back with... It is so heart-warming !!!
(bit modified)

------------------- Forwarded message --------------------------
From: a doctor
Date: Thu, Jan 23, 2014 at 9:33 AM
Subject: Re: Quick Question...
To: DD/DM

Thank you and wish you all a very Happy New Year too. 

I find it very fascinating that you have come up with this model and your own little strategy to help DS. 

Now let's assume that for a minute that DS didn't have core-deficits. He was a regular kid with regular friends and all else. He would still have problems with his peers, issues as a teen, perhaps girl issues etc. Going through all of that could be very enriching, but at times painful and sometimes even taxing. But that's all part of the process of growing up. And one must go through it to emerge whole and complete. It's like a caterpillar- the metamorphosis is not easy, but worth the wait. 

So I'm sure as parents you want to make this ride as bump less and easy as possible, but that might not help with his growth. So in my opinion you are already doing the best for him- letting him learn on his own. Yes- he will lean on you in trying times, and he should know you will always be there for him. It is important to always keep the communication open no matter how trivial the matter.

So as parents sometime it is imperative to let your child fall, just so he knows he can get up, dust off his hands and run on his own again. This gives the child a tremendous boost of self worth and confidence. 

Of course you will tell me that DS isn't like others, so shouldn't we be more cautious with him? This is where I find it fascinating that every time you write to me I see him leaning more and more towards so called 'normal'; and you with normal parental anxieties and worries. 

So it's really great that you are doing so much and relax. He'll be fine. He's a great kid!

Good luck always. 

Warmly,

Doc

--------

On 22-Jan-2014, at 9:57, DD; wrote:

Dear Dr,

First, wish you and your family a very healthy/happy 2014 ! I hope you are doing well.

We wanted to write to you on a quick question... We have come up a model called CARS and base memory. 

CARS implying - Challenge, Awareness, Regulate and Sustain

and Base Memory - A way that he can replace and unpleasant base memory that led him to make some rules about certain things (for example, he didn't like Ambassador car, since when he was a kid, I scolded him and smacked him in his bottom for something)

So now that he is aware of his challenge of the Amby cars, he is trying to regulate it, by going changing the base memory - by traveling in that car; thats one example.

The other one is that - he doesn't like his mom wearing baseball caps - so when she wore it, he took a photo of it on his iPhone and said he'd look at it to sustain his awareness and tolerance of the caps.

We have written about this approach in our blog - http://vibgyorchild.blogspot.com/2014/01/the-good-carbs-model.html

Now the new problem - He is actually going ahead of "challenge" phase in the above model. Earlier, when he wasn't able to handle something emotionally, he used to manage it mentally by making rules in his mind, that later shows up as challenge. Now he is trying hard not to make those rules. For example, he doesn't like his mom driving cars - but now he has understood that and has made a plan for his mom to drive the car - but we can see that he is really struggling with that concept - it is as if he is trying hard to re-write his own DNA and his core that is signature of his deficits... We can see he is going through a lot of "pain", in trying very hard not to make rules to manage an emotional situation. Loss of his imaginary friends and recent expulsion of one of his friend from school has also set him back without having much of friends at school. We believe, he is also "discovering" himself vis-a-vis others that he interacts with.

Although, from a macro view, we think it is really good for him as he understands some of these situations and handles himself, but at a micro view it is really tough to see him go through this phase; we'd like to see if there is anything we can do help him and ease him through this phase.

Anything that you can think of that you think will help, please do let us know !

Thank you very much, in advance,

DD/DM

The "good CARBS" :-) Model..

Sometime ago, we talked about this model of four stages of development here.

This winter holiday, we made a break through on two fronts.

First one on the model above. We made a small change. Challenge -> Aware -> Regulate -> Sustain - this acronyms to CARS - guess what, that are DS's favorite topic. Now he has adopted this model really well. Several times, he has pointed to one of his problem areas and have said, I'm "challenged" here, how do I become aware of it? And on bad dreams over night impacting his motivation next day - he asked us, I'm aware that this happening, how do I regulate it? How do I sustain it? He has used this model on several occasions to ask us questions on how he could handle a situation. We are so glad !!!

The other one we introduced this is the "base memory". The principle is, DS has certain associations he has made due to certain circumstances. For example, he'd not like a blue dress of his mom, since she had scolded him wearing blue dress when he was a kid - such emotions are deep rooted in him. When we introduced the base-memory to him, he now is exploring the reason for certain base memories (that plays right into "Challenge" of CARS). We've revisited some of his base memories and created better experiences for him; and that we (including him) call replacing base memory! 

So CARS and Base-memory anagrams to CARBS :-) But this seems to be good CARBS.

Blind Rage.

I just read this yesterday. DS is almost 17 and has once-in-a-while "rage" issues - typically he tends to show his anger on himself and bites his arm.

http://www.myaspergerschild.com/2013/10/blind-rage-in-children-on-autism.html

I thought the article was good and thought provoking and provides some ideas. I read the article aloud to my son/wife and we discussed on how he could identify the "beginnings of his rage" and what is that we could do. He shared that when he is melting-down, we not answering his (repetitive) questions and remaining silent really angers him. 

And we were thinking answering will exacerbate the situation!

Using Movies for teachable moments (or teachable hours !)

(As written by DM

From an email she wrote to another mother on how she uses movies to help DS).

DS too was and is interested in Tamil movies.

In 2008 DS was hardly interested in anything only movies and cars (Indian). So I decided to use movies as a medium for learning. He would not understand anything. I tell him the story before hand, give the central story. I was not sure how much he understood. He used to dream while watching, only enjoy the stunts and car crashes. Two years back we have watched a movie everyday during summer holidays, some movies again and for him to comprehend better, which will be at the end of the day after he finishes his daily plan.

These are other things I worked on
1. Feelings
2 .Predicting what will happen
3. Teach  new terms as we encounter
4. Read the review of the movie before watching
5. Ask him the central story
6. Tell which parts he liked and did not like and why
7. Connect some incidents to our life as well while reading. Highlight how son shares things to his parents, I choose the movie I want to talk something about.
8. Now we watch movies, I ask him to choose by reading reviews and check with me. Which he does. He doesn't understand the review but he look at the picture or some words and learning to figure out if it is a good movie or if he will enjoy.

After five years I would say he comprehends the movie better.  I consider the following incidents to be highlights which happened recently.
1. He watched the Hindi movie "Black". He told it is similar to his life - the girl has challenges but tries hard to overcome those.
2. Watched a song video where a boy fights for his girl friend, pictured as a battle. DS told the boy is fighting all the obstacles that comes in the way of his goal. I too wanted to fight my obstacles. This is only realization right now, which I hope we will find ways to put it to practice.

Small Mercies - Photospos Free !

DS had a dream, not like Martin Luther King's but nevertheless something that made him extremely happy and excited. When he shared that with us, he was so delighted that we could see his eyes sparkling and twinkling !

The dream was this: He had dreamt that when he was an adult, he was doing the job of technology repairman - where he is fixing computers, printers, TVs etc. And he was driving his favourite Maruti Esteem car to the houses where he goes for his repair-calls. He added, that he will be first ever repairman who will be driving a car to his work !!

In any case, of late, he has also been saying he wants to do GED... we subtly motivate him that GED kind of education will be helpful for him to achieve his dreams, and it isn't going to be easy to do GED... In any case, as another motivation took, I downloaded a picture of Esteem from the net and super imposed his picture, with a sign of his future company in the car ! We hope this would continue to motivate him; we printed a wallet size photo of this, laminated it for him to keep in his wallet !

Thanks to Photopos application - http://www.photopos.com ; its a free app that helps us to play around with the photos; and in this case, extremely helpful !! The app itself is comparable to Photoshop that we pay big bucks for !

Above is (identity blurred :-)) picture that the app helped me create after merging two separate photos !

Organization...

One of the things that we are wondering that would help kids such as DS is "organization" :-) Let me explain - when there is a constant flow of information, their senses tend to get overwhelmed that it shuts down. For us, in a busy/stressful situation, we tend to organize and structure the situation/environment so that we can manage it. Also, even in a normal situation, when we have information coming at us, I believe, we tend to structure/slot/organize the data so that we make it easy to recall or even understand.

For example, if someone talks to me about how decisions are made my the Japanese PM after discussion at Diet, I can relate it to being a gathering of decision makers rather than to food - it is so, since I'm exposed to Indian parliament model. Also, I make some educated guess about Diet now. I dont really need to read about Diet immediately and I dont feel anymore that lack of knowledge of the word "Diet" to be stressful.

So this summer, we are looking to work with DS on some small micro-exercises.

The intent here is to train the brain to think so. So we are looking at a 5-10min  three step micro-exercises that we would work with DS.

The Step-1 is to get the brain-trained on a very physical thing that he can touch, see and can really relate to. So, for example we will take something like a table and see how is it structured. Just talk about why it is that way - why four legs, why not three legs, why flat top etc etc. At Step-1, my supposition is that his brain is tuned to see a structure/organization in something.

As step-2, we give him something physical and ask him to assemble or organize. Takes about 2-3 minute; Ask him why he organized that in the way he did and why not some other way. He typically responds to with his past experience of what he has seen or done or heard. The intent of step-2 is to take the training in step-1 that is still fresh in his mind and apply that thought process to the problem at hand. The brain is at organize mode now.

As Step-3, we want to give him an abstract data; and follow-up with some question. For example, I gave him "Obama is the president of US and lives in the White-house". The key-indices are President, US, White-house. So, my question is what does he recall when he heard that - i prompted him similarities - US with India, Obama with Pranab M, White-house with Rashtrapati Bhavan...

We are hoping with this training, based on organization/structure,  he would be able to convert data into information and then into insight. An example would be - if we tell him
Data = that tomorrow's going to be 95'F
Information = he should get that it will very hot
Insight = and that he will wear cotton clothes and  hydrate himself...

Not an easy exercise, but we hope to try this out this summer !

ps: Btw, when we go to shops or malls or restaurants, we ask him to tell us how those are organized and why so? When we went to a Indian groceries, he told us how the store was organized - the snacks on the front right, two stacks of shelf with spices, grains and condiments and the vegetables in the back and the freezer along the walls. When I asked him why not mix then, he said it would be tough to find things if the "categories" are mixed. Then I asked him, why not freezer in the middle of the shop, he said then they would need to run the wires down to the center and that would not be easy.

Aware ?

In managing learning and development at work, I (DD) used to talk about a model with my teams. How we start from "we do not know what we do not know" to 'how we dont realize that we know and do something like a finely tuned machine".

The four stages of development were:

1. Subconscious incompetence (I do not know what I do not know)
2. to Conscious incompetence (I now know what I dont know)
3. to conscious competence (I need to be aware of what I'm doing so that I can do right)
4. to subconscious competence (I just do it, muscle-memory and competence has taken over - just like riding a cycle)

I then applied this to DS's learning and this is where I got to - the labels were simple enough for him to understand and relate to.

1. Subconscious incompetence equates to his core deficits due to his condition - Challenge
2. Conscious incompetence - he develops self awareness about some of his limitations - Awareness
3. Conscious competence - he starts regulating some of his reactions, responses and emotion - Regulation
4. Subconcious competence - he has internalized it and certain things dont faze him any more - Habit

I drew this on his white-board and explained it to him with examples:

In certain cases, he is hovering between 2 and 3.  He is now communicating to us how he has made a lot of r wrong associations when he was young - for example, if he had a bad experience he used to associate that with some other visible symbol - his DM's dress etc; and then he'd start hating that; any references to that visible symbol would bring a bad reaction from him. A few days ago, he went from awareness to regulation. When he was at work (job-training), he said some memory was really bothering him; but since he was at work, he "pushed that memory out" so that he could be professional at work and didn't let that memory affect his work.

It was quite a good progress for us, when he was relating an past experience (through his stories), he used the verbiage in the model - how it was a challenge and how he is aware of it and that behaviour is slowly becoming an habit for him !!!

We need to continue to reiterate this framework to him !

To sweat or not to sweat

[Written by DM]

Sunday morning, DS rushed to kitchen told his sweater is dirty; requested me to wash it today so he could wear it for School. I washed and kept it ready. Monday DS was getting ready for school wore the sweater and felt it was tight. DS was very disappointed and upset. DS liked the sweater very much and doesn't like to change what he has been doing for many months. That too it was a sweater that his dad used to wear.

DS now have to regulate his emotions, find what to wear; his emotions should not come in the way of him getting ready which sometimes is a challenge for him. DS came with ideas, that he will wear the jacket which he used to wear to other places, he was not happy as those jackets were old. DS did ask me what he can wear to keep himself warm. I asked him to wear the other old sweater and wear a jacket on top. He wasn't very happy. I was wondering if he will miss the bus, if we will find another sweater/jacket to wear, will his emotion affect his eating and many other thoughts came to me. As these thoughts coming to me, I was getting irritated, realized that my thoughts and feelings is not going to help DS. I decided I should not let my emotions come in the way, tried my best to be calm, though I could feel few times getting annoyed, managed not to show it to DS and help him to solve this problem and let him feel good about it as DS is very much aware big reactions are unexpected for small problems.

DS was asking if the sweater shrinked because we washed it, or he is outgrown it. DS upset saw me making dosas rolled with cauliflower curry; he wanted dosas without cauliflower, wanted podi. When I told I made cauliflower as you complained of stomach upset, DS said, OK I will have dosas with Sambar. I had some sambar in the fridge, which I heated. DS said he would like to have cauliflower curry. I know all these back forth talking about what he wants to have with dosa is because he was upset about the sweater. I just reflected his feelings that he is upset as the sweater is tight. I told let me stretch it and iron it. DS was very happy and relieved, hoping the sweater would fit. DS started having his dosas, I appreciated DS as his eating not getting affected because he is upset, also coming with good ideas of what to wear. I told this is the way to solve a problem, we try one way if it does not work, we have to come with another one, till we find a way which works. Once I finished ironing he wanted to try the sweater out immediatly and then eat. I encouraged him to eat fast and then try. It was a double sided sweater. DS said he will try both sides and see, again he was coming with what he can do. He tried both the sides, till felt it was tight. He wanted me to come with some ideas.

I told if you can manage bit uneasiness today, you will feel comfortable tomorrow. I asked him to wear one sweatshirt and jacket, he was still not happy, asking me give him more options. I was getting annoyed, but calmly told I am thinking about it. You too can also think what to wear. After a while DS said he can wear a sleeveless jacket and a full jacket. I was soooo happy that he found what he can wear, I could feel he was happy to have solved the problem. This experience ended with a positive note for DS that he can solve the problem and feel good. It was a learning experience for me not to get carried away with my emotions/thoughts but to stay calm and be AT-EASE. We should now label it the "sweater problem" to use it as an example for other similar issues.

Micro Processes and making connections to macro.

A friend of ours gave a train set a ~year ago. DS had shelved it for a long time not wanting to do anything with it. We have now better counsel to understand that it is not that DS hates those things; he was just feeling inadequate with complexity - DM had very nicely explained what we continue to do with him to develop him in this area in her post.

Last month, DS had looked at the model picture and assembled the train-set. He did so without losing patience or getting tensed.

This was our goal a ~year ago... We believe, one of the aspects of independent living is to able to read clues, find help (instruction) from the eco-system around you - people, books, net etc.  Our micro derivation from that macro was, for example,  he will need to read at instructions (or picture) and be able to do as per instructed. Add to his ability of able to google, assembling from picture is the next step; the future ones would be is read instructions of the manual. He already does some of it, in cooking from a recipe book.

We are focusing more and more on the process and not results - So DM is breaking a lot of stuff into micro-process. Its like the Cynefin problem solving domain in the complex process - when the cause and effect are not directly connected. I kind of explain it as when you put up multiple coloumns, they dont seem to make sense, but at a certain height, a floor appears; then close out the outer coloumns, a building appears. For us the micro-process is like that.

Last summer, DM started on some academics - history, science, using the micro-learning process. In parallel, we also worked on his ability to cook his own food. DS cut veggies at night, and prepared the rice in the morning, he poured idli for his breakfast, DM keeps it int he stove; once cooked, DS need to take out his idlis for his BF; and pack his own lunch - mixing the rice and veggies.

When talking about this to a friend of ours, he said these are things that we did NOT do when we were at DS' age. That is the point of micro-process thing for us. We (as NT) didn't need to, because we had the ability to learn from our surroundings; but for DS it isn't that easy. We need to teach him the process; and the process itself cannot be overwhelming - its needs to micro enough. As he builds a lot of data (or experiences), we see that functional understanding emerging in him, as he suddenly starts to make the connections. Once he makes the connections, the internalization happens.

A simple instance of how he is connecting is this: DS wanted to write an update to his friends. He asked us "why should i repeat the same in multiple mails, why cant i send it to all ?". Then talking aloud,  he himself realized that he is addressing the mail with "name" and some information/data very specific to the person... and also writing something unique for each friend makes each friend special/close. Once he got that, he asked us a lot of questions around family, immediate family, extended family, relatives and distant relatives and how that concentric circle worked !

Not sure, if I've articulated our process clearly :-), but wanted to blog this.

Ah one other thing - the time he starts making connection is this - you'd really find it strange - we go on a long drive - make it a point at least once a week - usually aimlessly drive around back-roads, so that we explore the areas, but importantly, also talk as a family. DS tells us stories during these rides - the stories are basically his own experience fictionalized with different names and settings; and we need to repeat the stories; we've improved the repetition of stories from verbatim to telling the same story from our perspective (mom and dad fictionalized). We too tell stories, where we reiterate some of his journey and how far he has come... These rides are so valuable that this is where these data points come together him cogently; the light comes on !

Summer 2012 (a late post though) !

This Summer we wanted our goal to "create a sense of wonder  and  curiosity while learning" as DS is very open to accept novelty and face uncertainty, which evolved to a great experience where both myself and DS are learning continuously, which I believe will be the stepping stone, to be a curious learner.

1. We decided to start each day with something new or fresh, and revise what we have done previously, so information overload is less.
2. Guiding DS to wonder, with all the wonder questions, when, where, who, which, what, etc., resulting in understanding the underlying things.  The same principle for life situations, movies, reading 
3. Breaking a concept to many simple things, explaining each, relating to some experience what DS knows or 
4. Be aware of DS emotions, when overwhelmed guiding him to take a break. DS initially did not want to take break as he thought time out or break is a punishment, DS understands the purpose of time out to calm ourselves so we get back on 
5. Guiding him to do a work at lower level, when he finds the higher level difficult, which gives DS self-confidence.
6. Exploring – trying different ways to finish, like train model, figuring how to play a new game, shopping, finding a place using maps 
7. Independent – During summer school, guiding him to make his own breakfast, lunch etc, plan his time, calendar and follow 
8. Responsible – Encouraging him to take initiative, to do any family work in daily routine on his 
9. His Physical activity with Master Jay gone to next level, which is getting more challenging, which is similar to going to next grade.
10. DS is now getting, it takes more time to understand certain things, but he is more aware that the time taken these days is getting less!!! DS is motivated to learn and try his best.

This was a good summer; although there wasn't a sense of euphoria amongst both of us (DD & DM) like the summer of 2011, we realized, this was the summer of building. Like in a cricket match, once you have a great start to the innings, we need the middle order to build on it - more diligently, deliberately and consciously. Without Dravid's workman-like hard work, Sehwag's top of the order flamboyance would be of naught ! ;-) This summer was the middle-order work. We are sure, it will set him up for the win !

Ecosystem Engineering...

I had earlier talked about how we try and use all the resources available to us in DS' learning and development. We've recruited my (DD's) family and friends to send DS mails, talk to him, give him questions, problems etc.


The thing we are asking the extended ecosystem :-) to focus on is to share their emotional experiences in their life (or as they remember me - DD) as they grew up, apart from giving him some simple academic, but real life problems.


My dad has gotten onto a nice cadence with DS - sending him mail once a week - it has been a wildly successful experiment. DS actually spends time with his mail now - opens a sheet of paper, makes key points from my dad's email and responds to that. My dad's email loosely has three parts, apart from the current status of his life - the sections being (1) sharing his life experience (2) asking an unknown question, so that DS needs to use google or otherwise to find answer and (3) giving him a simple math problem...


Here is one such example of the email:
---

2.  When I was a young boy  studying in the 10th standard I got poor marks in Algebra test and when the paper was give to me I got 0 out of 25 but in my geometry paper I got 24 out of 25.  So I got 24 out of 50 which is a pass mark.  I did not tell my father about this as I thought he will get angry and scold me.  I was telling lies that the marks did not come out and finally on a day he told me to get the marks on the next day or he will come to the school and find out the matter.  So on the next day I told me but to my surprise he did not scold me but told me to do better in may next examination.  From that day onwards I decided not to tell lies to my parents or to any other person.
3.  Since you are fond of strawberry I will give a sum on that:  You go to a shop to buy some strawberries and shopkeeper tells you that the price of one packet is. 8.50 dollars.  Being satisfied with the price you bought 5 packets  for which you have given a 50 dollar note.  He was impressed by you and gave a discount and paid back one 10 dollar back.  How much profit you had made. ?

----

The interesting thing about #2 above is that it serves two purpose - one is that to say everyone is fallible and prone to make mistakes, which is a big thing for DS (since he is loathe to make mistakes and that has been a previous inhibitor in learning) and secondly teaches some of emotions.

Even some of my friends have been sending emails to DS. The unintended consequences of this has been, the DS's emails to his friends are much more cogent and tends to be a lot more normal.

Well, we will take all the help we can get and we are thankful, that we are getting so much help !

Dream Come True (Learning)

(Chronicled by DM)
One day DS came from school very excited, handing me  some brochures and stating, "I get to go in a stretch limo, if I do this". It was a school program for school children to recruit subscribers for magazines; who gets the most, gets to go by stretch Limo for school dance. DS wasn't quiet sure about what needs to be done, but he was filled with enthusiasm and very optimistic that he will sell more so he could enjoy the experience of going in stretch Limo. This is quiet unusual of DS, first sharing about something that happened in school and secondly showing a great motivation!!!


At that time (about 2 years ago), I was very thrilled we have a good external motivator as DS was resisting to learn anything new, we came with an plan of learning to do 16 (his favorite number) new different things; and named it Stretch Limo Project, wrote the list in the white board (9th Jan 2010). DS was very excited at the idea and was eagerly looking forward to go in Stretch Limo. I thought he would learn the 16 things which will create a bank of successful learning memories for him. We planned,  we would start learning from the list during weekends. After initial few weeks,there was resistance and avoidance. It dawned on me that DS is not feeling competent to learn as there were many gaps in his learning process and also negative memories associated with learning, as a result he is shutting down, just finishing that is minimally required or just plain avoidance. 

In order to activate the learning process for DS, the main things were

• ability to accept novelty/new 
• ability to tolerate uncertainty 
• replace old negative memories associated to new positive memories

I wanted to facilitate to regulate his emotions, creating experiences, increase his awareness while learning, gradually reducing the guidance, making him independent. I understood the regulating DS emotions was key to reduce his learning anxiety, which I learnt from PACE place. I spotlighted the following which evolved over a year responding to DS needs.

• Encourage DS to ask for help if he doesn't know. It is ok, if DS doesn't know - it can be learned; but it is also a process which takes time. Somethings can be learnt quickly, something takes hours to days.
• Let him observe, show and share how we learn when we don't know: Experience of looking for unknown things at  Fry's, Best Buy - they were good places to role model.
• Give DS easy work (which he has learnt) Vs New.
• Ask DS to rate how he felt his learning experience from 10-difficult to 10-easy. Every experience starts as 10-difficult, over a period of time becomes 10-easy.
• It is ok to make mistakes, which are part of learning - Share about the mistakes we and others make.
• Make guesses without worrying if the answer is right or wrong.
• Trying again and again, same and different ways.
• Positive learning attitude for learning giving our best; not just finishing.
• Change his ingrained thoughts to positive ones. DS thinks he is not good if he makes mistakes or doesn't know.

DS ability to learn, try new things and tolerate uncertainty had increased to great extent. DS is able to reflect some negative memories, figuring out how to change them to good episodic memories.


One week we decided to work only on Limo Project, which made him realise that if he does everyday, more than one, he could learn faster. During last summer holidays (in 2011), DS decided to work on two things everyday, so he could finish all the 16 which he did (20th Aug 2011).  However, unfortunately, we could not hire the limo soon after for variety of reasons - school, non-availability, time-change etc.


So this year, as DS enjoys when the weather is warm, we planned to hire a stretch-limo during Spring break.  With DD's niece/her husband, we set up an elaborate plan, saying that we were all going out in their car, that was parked in the visitor's parking. Getting to their car, we just walked past the limo ! 

As we did that, DD  surprised DS by revealing we are going in streach limo. A great suprise for DS, and his dream has come true. The Stretch limo project has created a postive learning experience, which I feel is our foundation for future learning.

Leveraging the Ecosystem...

As every other parent of a special child, we too leverage the ecosystem of our support, whichever way we can. We have encouraged our DS's grandparents, cousins and my (DD) friends to write to DS via email. Early on, we needed to sit with DS for him to go through his gmail account and prompt him to respond. The framework DW used to teach DS, was that of a train - it has an engine (greetings, how are you, etc), the carriages (body of the mail with content) and caboose (the final byes, etc etc). The train analogy was used, since DS is a vehicle lover.

Now-a-days, no one needs to sit with DS - every saturday, he logs on to his gmail account and starts responding to emails.

Now that he was on auto-pilot on this, we had asked my (DD) dad, 6-8m ago, to ask him some math questions, in a way, that it is not overwhelming to DS; but position it as something my dad learned when he was the same age and had trouble learning it. Thus, a little by little, DS had graduated to solving progression etc. Last week, he had solved, 3, 5, 8, ___, 17, 23 progression !! (Yay!!!)

So we decided, it is time to up it, a bit. So we asked my dad to ask DS another question (#2) apart from the Math Q (#1). The math question would be the routine, but the second question would be some fact-finding. The intent of asking the question is NOT for him to find the answer. But discover the process of finding the answer. To get my dad to understand, here are the samples that we provided my dad with:

Who were the presidents of USA before and after Clinton ? DS will not know - but the knowledge/resolution process could be:

• DS asks us (or)
• he asks his teacher at school (or)
• he googles
• ... 

How many 100s/centuries Sachin Tendulkar has made in his international cricket career ? DS wont know this; again, his options would be:

• he can ask me (or)
• he can google (or)
• he will figure out just like cars sites (that he loves to go and visit), there are cricket sites too...

So, the intent is, to make him discover the process of learning by himself (functional) rather than finding the answer (skill/knowledge). The belief is, if the process is set, the learning would be a resultant.

The first installment of questions have come through to his mailbox. We'll know how DS handles it soon !

Type of Questions...

DS doesn't like to be asked questions. I believe it stems from the fact that he doesn't like to be tested, because he could be wrong. The same reason he is a not a big Math-liker. Because Math has only rights and wrongs and he doesn't like to be wrong...

...similarly questions are the same for him.

A few days ago, I had asked him a question as to why he likes Indian cars more than US cars. That put him in a spin. He started talking through his thinking and was not really clear why I had asked him that question. Did I mean that he should not like Indian cars ? Did I mean that he should know more about US cars ?

We actually discussed through that like part of it - what could be the reason; he had spent more parts of his life in India ? There were new cars every year in India and he could incrementally learn ? Always the first like is a lasting like ? etc etc...

But to us, it gave us a model... There are three types of questions:

1. Learning Questions - the questions people ask him, when they do not know something. Like when he is asked directions
2. Thought Questions - the questions people ask him, when they want to get his opinion or his reasoning - things that make him think about the topic or himself. There are no right and wrong, but its very subjective
3. Test Questions - the questions people ask him, when they want to know what he knows.

of course, the #3 is the one he hates. But, this is the first onslaught :-) He now is aware that these three types exist. The awareness if the first step of internalization... Lets see where it goes.

2011: DS' Summer of Content & Contentment !

This summer has been one of the most satisfying ones for us. Something clicked, and it is as if everything was in sync and in rhythm... not just routine, but rhythm.

(To me

Routine = a set of activities done in a similar order, where as

Rhythm = a set of activities done in a similar order, but with great mental engagement and mind-share; where there is an emotional investment).

Here is what we did with DS during this summer:

1. We worked on the comprehension. We have a guide who comes home for 2hrs/week and works on stories with him. Try to structure his imagination to a cogent set of thoughts. Some of the key words we have used are: "What is the central idea" ? "Central theme" ? "What is peripheral ?" etc.
2. We worked on "structured Chaos" - Take an unknown situation, like assembling railway-model and then "try" it. The key-words we used were: "Lets try", "Lets make a guess, even if it is wrong", "lets take 3 guesses"
3. Focus on the "effort" and not "result". I believe this has resonated with DS. Basically, in any thing, we want him to try; and we rated him on his "effort" in the scale of 1 to 10; and not made a big deal of result. So, when he does something, we used to say, "your effort today was "10", and the result was "7", but when you did the same thing a week ago, your effort was "10", but result was only "3". The intent being, if he puts in an honest effort, the results would improve. I think he has understood this.
4. We focused on physical activity (with a physical trainer - Master Jay - see the link here - the write-up on the last para); Master Jay comes home and trains with DS twice a week - not just physical exercise that helps him in his posture, but also inter-hemispheric integration and proprioceptive awareness. We believe it has helped DS stay with a conversation, make him more perseverant and be present to the situation. Needless to say, when I work with him on rest of the days, I always have used the 'effort' and 'result' grading !
5. We worked on his independence - ability to plan his time, calendar and finish per calendar. This is in rudimentary stage :-).

We will continue to work on the above 5... We feel very good about his progress and how DS has let us to work with him, this summer. He has started seeing with increasing regularity, within himself, the ability to be self-aware and self-regulate more and more. There are fewer non-negotiables for him these days...