Challenges ? What is that?

In one of the discussions at work, we were talking about challenges - basically the question was what were the challenges that each one of us faced in our past that made us feel good... I had to think quite deeply about it to even come up with one. I really could not pick one - the reason is its not that I had too many or something like that - but I do have a different perspective of "challenge"... I see every day DS making a great effort, struggle with himself in trying alter his 'DNA' - trying to reprogram himself and re-wire himself; getting over the core-deficits that he has - compared to what he is going through and making a very conscious, honest and tremendous effort to change something that is fundamental to his being, is bring a new perspective to me - More and more,  I realize how blessed rest of us are - we assume stuff and take on stuff to think those are "problems to solve" - really? Let us try rewiring ourselves, like becoming ambidexterous, an introvert becoming an extrovert, a right-hander becoming left-hander !

In any case, DS' struggle and his effort are bearing fruit... See attached email exchange between a doctor and us. We sent an email to the doctor asking for some advice, and this is how she responded back with... It is so heart-warming !!!
(bit modified)

------------------- Forwarded message --------------------------
From: a doctor
Date: Thu, Jan 23, 2014 at 9:33 AM
Subject: Re: Quick Question...
To: DD/DM

Thank you and wish you all a very Happy New Year too. 

I find it very fascinating that you have come up with this model and your own little strategy to help DS. 

Now let's assume that for a minute that DS didn't have core-deficits. He was a regular kid with regular friends and all else. He would still have problems with his peers, issues as a teen, perhaps girl issues etc. Going through all of that could be very enriching, but at times painful and sometimes even taxing. But that's all part of the process of growing up. And one must go through it to emerge whole and complete. It's like a caterpillar- the metamorphosis is not easy, but worth the wait. 

So I'm sure as parents you want to make this ride as bump less and easy as possible, but that might not help with his growth. So in my opinion you are already doing the best for him- letting him learn on his own. Yes- he will lean on you in trying times, and he should know you will always be there for him. It is important to always keep the communication open no matter how trivial the matter.

So as parents sometime it is imperative to let your child fall, just so he knows he can get up, dust off his hands and run on his own again. This gives the child a tremendous boost of self worth and confidence. 

Of course you will tell me that DS isn't like others, so shouldn't we be more cautious with him? This is where I find it fascinating that every time you write to me I see him leaning more and more towards so called 'normal'; and you with normal parental anxieties and worries. 

So it's really great that you are doing so much and relax. He'll be fine. He's a great kid!

Good luck always. 

Warmly,

Doc

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On 22-Jan-2014, at 9:57, DD; wrote:

Dear Dr,

First, wish you and your family a very healthy/happy 2014 ! I hope you are doing well.

We wanted to write to you on a quick question... We have come up a model called CARS and base memory. 

CARS implying - Challenge, Awareness, Regulate and Sustain

and Base Memory - A way that he can replace and unpleasant base memory that led him to make some rules about certain things (for example, he didn't like Ambassador car, since when he was a kid, I scolded him and smacked him in his bottom for something)

So now that he is aware of his challenge of the Amby cars, he is trying to regulate it, by going changing the base memory - by traveling in that car; thats one example.

The other one is that - he doesn't like his mom wearing baseball caps - so when she wore it, he took a photo of it on his iPhone and said he'd look at it to sustain his awareness and tolerance of the caps.

We have written about this approach in our blog - http://vibgyorchild.blogspot.com/2014/01/the-good-carbs-model.html

Now the new problem - He is actually going ahead of "challenge" phase in the above model. Earlier, when he wasn't able to handle something emotionally, he used to manage it mentally by making rules in his mind, that later shows up as challenge. Now he is trying hard not to make those rules. For example, he doesn't like his mom driving cars - but now he has understood that and has made a plan for his mom to drive the car - but we can see that he is really struggling with that concept - it is as if he is trying hard to re-write his own DNA and his core that is signature of his deficits... We can see he is going through a lot of "pain", in trying very hard not to make rules to manage an emotional situation. Loss of his imaginary friends and recent expulsion of one of his friend from school has also set him back without having much of friends at school. We believe, he is also "discovering" himself vis-a-vis others that he interacts with.

Although, from a macro view, we think it is really good for him as he understands some of these situations and handles himself, but at a micro view it is really tough to see him go through this phase; we'd like to see if there is anything we can do help him and ease him through this phase.

Anything that you can think of that you think will help, please do let us know !

Thank you very much, in advance,

DD/DM

The "good CARBS" :-) Model..

Sometime ago, we talked about this model of four stages of development here.

This winter holiday, we made a break through on two fronts.

First one on the model above. We made a small change. Challenge -> Aware -> Regulate -> Sustain - this acronyms to CARS - guess what, that are DS's favorite topic. Now he has adopted this model really well. Several times, he has pointed to one of his problem areas and have said, I'm "challenged" here, how do I become aware of it? And on bad dreams over night impacting his motivation next day - he asked us, I'm aware that this happening, how do I regulate it? How do I sustain it? He has used this model on several occasions to ask us questions on how he could handle a situation. We are so glad !!!

The other one we introduced this is the "base memory". The principle is, DS has certain associations he has made due to certain circumstances. For example, he'd not like a blue dress of his mom, since she had scolded him wearing blue dress when he was a kid - such emotions are deep rooted in him. When we introduced the base-memory to him, he now is exploring the reason for certain base memories (that plays right into "Challenge" of CARS). We've revisited some of his base memories and created better experiences for him; and that we (including him) call replacing base memory! 

So CARS and Base-memory anagrams to CARBS :-) But this seems to be good CARBS.